Confession Time...

So here goes nothing I am about to say the one thing that I have been afraid to say out loud for a little while now.....

I Want a BABY.

There, I said it now I can breath easy, well sort of. Not sure when these thoughts started creeping in my mind. But they started and now I spend lots of time thinking about it probably over thinking but here is why:

Truth is that is a terrifying statement for me to make. Little man is 19 months, over a year and a half growing big, starting to talk, and getting into all sorts of trouble. It seems as everything is falling into place, we are going to start potty training this summer sometime, we have the space and I feel like I have my energy back (well as much energy as a mom of a toddler can have).

I think about all these things and then I start to doubt, do I have enough love to share? How will my little man who has been the center of our world for his whole life adjust? How will we adapt? Am I really and truly ready??  I spent the first 20 or more weeks of my first pregnancy sick, when they say "morning" sickness they should really call it all day sickness (unless I was eating goldfish). Am I ready for that?

I feel like I have read all the articles and prepared as much as I can. Not sure where to go from here jump in or slowly wade into it one toe at a time. That's where I am. That's how I feel, at the end of the day  God will work it all out and it will be just fine. So until then I wait, for what I am not sure but I will wait.

My "new" Headboard

Since Hubby and I are in the process buying a house I have been looking for inexpensive DIY things to make our new house more of "Our Home" verses something we are just kinda living in. Don't get me wrong the house we are buying is beautiful its just not fully our style. I have several rooms that I am going to be making over in order to make it more us. One of those rooms will be our bedroom. As I finish these projects I will post how I did them and what they cost.

About a week ago I came across a DIY headboard for $20 dollars, after seeing this I decided to make is a challenge to create my own for $20..... After clipping coupons and searching the web for some prices I headed off. Gathering my supplies took several hours (since I was looking for the best prices). 

Supplies: 

• Batting = $2.50 (with coupon and I had some extra from another project. This might cost more the "fluffier" you want it.)
• Wood Board 60"x30" (for back of headboard) = $12.97
• 2- 2x4's (cut into 2-24", 1- 60", and 1- 56") = 5.00
• Black fabric = 7.99 (for this I used a black sheet I found at a clearance outlet it was cheaper than buying fabric, the site I found this project on suggested that or curtains. Since these can be cheaper than buying the fabric. Try: Ollies, JCPenny Outlet, Target clearance, ect.)
• Staple Gun and staples = $2.50 (just had to buy the staples we have a gun already)
• Some "bling"  = $1.65 (I purple pearly beads I found on sale at ACMoore and used superglue/hot glue to attach them)

Total: $35 (when you add taxes) 

I did not stay under $20 but I was happy with $35, since I knew if this turned out the way I wanted it would be worth more than what I spent. My extra expenses came with my wood, and fabric. I think this is a more realistic price than what I have previously seen on the Pintrest site. 

So here is how it is done:

 The frame is the Wood Board and 2x4's.They were all screwed together with several wood screws to make it nice and sturdy.

 Next I added all the batting to the front of the board. and flipped it over and started pulling and stapling.

Next Set it up and add the fabric. I started at the top of the board pulling it tight as I went.

Then I got to get creative we decided where we wanted the indents. We put masking tape where we wanted to staple down (to add the bling to) and give it some texture. When the staples were done I glued on my bling. And I have to say the final product was GREAT!!!! 

 

DIY Toy Box for Little Man!

So this weekend I embarked on a project for me little man! I have been looking for a toy chest for all his little things that just end up all over the floor on the course of a day. We (my Grammy and I) have been searching all over for the past few weeks. Then we found it! 

But since we are not big "utah jazz" fans I did not think it was going to work! Then I got the idea to fix it up!! So I gathered all my supplies and started.... 

The finished product is more than I could have wanted! And to add a little extra fun we created an Sesame Street pillow to go on top (not pictured). 

 

Don't take my word for it though, Just look at the happy face of my little man enjoying his new "toy"! 

Confessions….Reasons I sometimes don’t feel like a good mommy:

1. I don’t always have the best patience. This normally happens right around meal times or just on a day where little man is being extra grumpy. We both get frustrated and mommy loses her patience.
2. I let me son watch cartoons in the morning and sometimes an afternoon Elmo pick me up. Though he may love his Elmo the tv times are definitely more for mommy than baby! 6:30 is early by anyone’s standards and that is when little man gets up every day. So, while mommy drinks her coffee and tries to feel “human” again. Little man watches Elmo and Curious George while he plays.
3. I let me son “cry it out”. Yep I did, and I would do it again if I had to. Let me explain, my son started sleeping through the night early (like 8 weeks). We moved from TX to Pa and he stopped. Getting up every 3 hours like he was a newborn again.  After about a month of this (when we thought he has adjusted in all other ways) my husband and I had to train him to sleep through the night again. And it was hard.
4. I cherish nap-time A LOT J When I think about this one, what mom does not like nap time? But, it can easily become something that I value to much on a grumpy day when he refuses to go down and then only naps for an hour!!!
5. Sometimes I want to run away. I am sure we have all felt this way but ugh it gets me. I need some mommy time everyday and without it I get bad. Enough said. 

Then I Remember: 

1. My morning Smiles and night time cuddles. Oh how I love these. My son sees me in the morning and gives me the biggest smiles. At night (when he is in a good mood of course) he will hold my hand let me rub his head.
2. The joy I have watching him learn. He took his first steps yesterday and it brought tears to me eyes. I love him and how when he learns something new he can’t wait to show us. He knows “so big” and just sits with his arms up waiting for us to go “how big is Noah”;“So BIG”
3. The jibber jabber.  The dadadadada J
4. All of his firsts.
5. How he reaches for me.  I waited for this for months and it’s the best feeling knowing he wants me!
6. I can comfort him. Does a mama’s heart good when he is inconsolable and I am the only one who can get him to calm down (it’s also very frustrating when I am trying to do something but hey give and take right?)
7. He Loves Me. Sometimes I struggle with this one. I am home with him all day so sometimes I feel like to him I am an “old hat”. Then he crawls over grabs my face and lays a BIG FAT SLOBBERY kiss on me.
8. I Love Him. More than he will ever know.
9. This will not last forever and one day I will miss this.  I think back to when he was first born this tiny little sweet monkey man. Now my Monkey Man has grown and changed and starting to walk. He will never be this small again I will miss this. (sometimes I need that reminder though)
10. On the rainiest and grumpiest of days he is my son, the one that God formed and fashioned in me.  

Because sometimes I am the Lost Son.

My Little Man, has caused me to once again stop and think about my life and change. The past 12 weeks have not exactly been uneventful. While all of these changes were welcomed events in our lives they are not without there difficulty. As adults we have learned to deal with change, sometimes better than others.We find ways to cope and handle it even though it looks different for every person. Ben and I knew everything was coming, before Noah was even born we knew that our time in Dallas was coming to a close. While it did not make leaving those we came to care deeply about and love, any easier we knew it was coming.

Noah, not so much. He has struggled, I feel for him. He left all he ever knew to a strange house, meeting lots of strange people. And top it off he was changing himself, starting to crawl everywhere and now pull himself up and move all over! All of this is a lot to take in.  It has honestly taken a long time for him to adjust but I think he is finally getting it. When all of this happened he stopped sleeping well, and started getting very clingy with me. I could not leave the room without him bursting into tears. Nights were so bad some nights he just cried for hours.

Change caused him to cling to the only people he knew to be a constant for him; me. That is how he coped, yes I have to admit it was annoying sometimes just walking into another room for a second and having him start screaming!As I sit here I am reminded of his dependence on me, and how that should mirror my dependence on God. Often it does not sadly enough. But  my son gives me a picture of how I should be.

I need to be clinging to my Savior more in times of turmoil.

Right now I carry a lot of anger with me. Though I see God's working hand, I am hurt. I have been pushing Him aside because I can't seem to understand why. I know he is waiting for me with open arms but some days I don't want those arms. I want to shove them aside and walk away.God is patient, loving, kind, and more than anyone understands my hurt. His patience is what I need daily to deal and cope. I am thankful that on the days that I come back crawling to God, He is waiting with open arms. Not judging me for my failures, not reminding me of what I have done, but lovingly calling me Child. Because like I said before... 

Because sometimes I am the lost son. 

^"22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."
 -Luke 15 22:24 

Things sometimes get hard.

Not sure if it is the dreariness outside this morning, the grumpy baby who refuses to take his nap, or the stress I can see all over my wonderful husband's face, but today is a hard day. These days happen normally I can shake them off. Take a nice long hot shower, drink some iced coffee and read a fun book, or do something mindless on the computer. But not today. Today is hard.

I have this ever daunting list of things that need to get done, a list that just seems to keep growing. I have a baby who can't decide if he wants to be happy or sad. I am preparing for what seems like a thousand things all at the same time and even if I get one thing done another thing seems to pop up in its place. Today is hard.

This is a different hard than I wrote about the other day. This is a hard, that is hard on your heart and soul. This is a hard that has been building up for what seems like days, weeks, and even months. I can't change this hard. I can only embrace it and move on.

Cast all my cares. 

Should be easy right? Well its not. Its painful, difficult, and daunting. Just when I think I have got it, my situation changes and I lose it again. We are heading into a land of uncertainty. We can make our plans, but that is just it, they are our plans. We are waiting on God.  He has to show us what He wants from us. While I know there are so many possibilities its hard being the strong one. That's how I feel sometimes. I know its not true but wow sometimes it just gets you! 

But here comes my blessing. I am not alone. I have a helper....

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and deliverer; O my God, do not delay.  –Psalm 40:17

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. –Psalm 55:22

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

-Matthew 6:34

So even on this hard day I am trying to take comfort in the truth of God's word but truthfully its a minute by minute struggle and at this minute not sure who's winning. 

Life Lessons

So the past week has been one of the hardest Mommy weeks I have had in a long time. I had several unexpected long days at work and less and less time at home with little man. Normally I work 3 days a week and they are normally short days. Last week I worked 2- 10/11 hour days, and 2- 7 hour days. Needless to say Mommy, Daddy, and Baby were ALL ready for this past week to be over. Though the last week was extremely hard I have gained a new respect for full time working mothers. I think of my two sisters-in-laws (whom I have the deepest adoration for) and wonder "wow how do they do it" they truly are AMAZING and have the patience of saints!

So here are a few things I was reminded of this past week :

• I am a sinner who gets tired, cranky, and impatient!! Ok so I knew all of these things before, but wow did they come to light!  There really is no time off; working a very long day then coming home to a cranky baby that misses you and needs you. I am so sad to admit but it felt like I was leaving one job and coming home to another.
• Patience is something that God still needs to constantly work on me with! On a normal day I am home with little man and we have a great time, its just him and I I can stay calm cool and collected, but not when I have been at work all day. It was hard for me to come home and enjoy my baby. I love him but I found I had a short fuse.
• Noah needs his Mommy, and his Mommy needs him. I found that while yes I could tell that Noah missed me it does a mommy's hear real well to hear her baby crying down the hall, walk in the door and have him light up in a smile after seeing me (not much for a tired daddy though).
• I have an Amazing, Wonderful,Godly husband who works hard to take care of Noah and I!! Once again I knew this but I was shown such compassion even when I was grumpy. I also think Ben learned a little bit about being a stay at home dad (something I don't think he enjoyed much).

All this to say: I love my boys. And at the end of the week we had a wonderful afternoon at the park full of smiles, giggles, and family time. Just a simple reminder of how Blessed I am.