A Year Ago Today!

Wow! That title says it all for me, what a year. A year ago today Ben and I found out we were having Noah. At the time he was our "LB" (Little Baby), and he remained under that name till I was 19 weeks along and we found out LB was in fact the little man we now call Noah.

I remember that week and day all to well, Valentines Day was a Monday last year, we had just gotten done with a long weekend with our teenagers at CBC attending Planet Wisdom. That week I had been feeling off but did not think much of it. Saturday the 12th I got my first does of morning sickness. THANKFULLY nausea is in the morning is something that I have had since I was a teen, no one not even myself thought much of it.

By Monday the 14th I knew something was going on. Ben and I were trying to get pregnant after talking with my doctor and evaluating some options for us. But I really did not think it could happen so fast. On a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test, thinking it could not do any harm and it would just confirm in my mind that the cramping I was feeling was just my period taking its lovely time to get here. But to my surprise I saw this....

Two lines. Two lines that forever changed our lives!!! I could not believe it. I walked calmly out to the kitchen where Ben was and said.... "Ummmm.... I decided to take a test and I think I am pregnant! We have to wait a few more mins to be sure cause I read the test early but I think I saw two lines...." We waited and then walked into the bathroom and saw it again! I was pregnant!! We hugged and Then exchanged Valentines Day gifts.

I gave Ben a bib I had found and wanted to show him as soon as we knew we were having a baby! Then we had to wait some long weeks before heading to the Dr. to do tests and confirm everything. I was so excited and so scared, from the moment we found out I had already grown fond of my LB everyday I prayed that he would be safe and keep growing. And he did...

Our LB grew into the wonderful Little Man I am so blessed to call my son!

He has brought so much joy our life. He has become a shining light in what sometimes seems like such a dark time. So a year ago today we found out we were having our biggest blessing yet. Valentines Day could not be any more special to me. 

Two of my favorite things

I have to admit that I have been waiting to write this post over a week now and just could not find the words to describe what I wanted to say. A form of writers block I guess. So here it goes, two of my favorite things...

1.) My Morning Smiles: what a great way to start any day. Noah is my social little man, the older he is getting the more and more he loves to talk. Yes he is only 3 1/2 months old but boy can this little man talk my ear off! Not like I really know what he is saying, but he happy to tell me all about his night and dreams. Its funny cause I think he has watched mommy and daddy talk in the morning while drinking our coffee and he wants to join in.. so he takes a sip or two of his milk unlatches smiles and starts talking, I respond and he repeats the process over and over for about 30 mins or so till he is done and then he just talks and smiles. I am so thankful I have a schedule that allows me to not rush but just sit and enjoy this time. It has truly become precious to me.

2.) My Nighttime Cuddles: I have posted before what a struggle nights can be for my little family, some nights Noah just wants to yell. But the other nights are the most precious to me. These night time cuddles normally happen right after I have gotten home from work (though sometimes he does them on nights I don't work). I come home and he has just gotten done tubby time with daddy and then moves onto feeding time with mommy. Noah and I get set up in our chair with the boppy, he is all swaddled for sleep and he starts eating. As soon as he is latched and going he starts reaching for my hand. At this point he links fingers with me and holds on tight to my thumb, just snuggles. It brings tears to my eyes just watching my little man slowly drift off to sleep as he holds on tight to his mommy. Nothing better than that. It reminds me of when he was so little and would fall asleep on his mommy or with his mommy all the time.

I am truly Blessed!

The Power of Communication

So tonight Noah went down to bed easier than he has in probably the past few weeks. THANK GOODNESS! But that victory does not come without many tears (sometimes I am not sure who is doing the crying Noah or I) over the past few weeks. I am not sure what gets into him, he does great all day and then right as we go to do that last night feeding before sleep he just screams and cries and often then he leaves me and him in tears.

That is just one of the many sad crying faces I seem to get from my son on a normal basis at night. Last night was one of those nights.; he had eaten a bunch that day and that should have been my first clue to what was going on. But it was not, Mommy is just not that smart sometimes. We get him ready for bed: Tubby (which he is all smiles for I think its his favorite part of the day!), lotion. diaper, pj's, and then feeding he starts eating and BAM it starts the screaming crying and full blown melt down. Now by this time I am used to what is going on, my little man is sometimes lazy at night and can not stand to work for food when he is tired at night. So being the "smart" mom I am I let him cry and then try to make him eat. This goes on for what seems like forever but probably was only 15 minutes of him screaming and screaming at me growing louder and louder as Mommy tries to get him to eat. In a final effort to get him to calm down (in my mind so he can eat some more) I give him his foofie.... and within minutes silence.... he has fallen asleep. I let him sit there on my lap for a few more minutes and then more him to his bed. He was so tired that he got to bed and didn't even want his foofie anymore. He wasn't hungry.

Those events brought me to tears and got me thinking, what kind of mom am I that can't even figure out what my little man is trying to tell me. Communication such an amazing and powerful thing when you think about it we rely so much on many different forms, yet often our intentions, actions, and words are often not understood. I as a mother should be able to understand what is going on with my child. I should be able to understand him yet often I am left confused, discouraged, and frustrated. I praise God that He is not like that with me. I think about all the times I am screaming, crying and fussing to him about some "major" crisis in my life, unlike this mommy, He as a father gets it. He gets me, He understands me, and unlike me he does not get confused, discouraged, or frustrated when I start to yell and complain.  As I finish up this post I am reminded of this passage:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. " -Jeremiah 29:11-13

All good things must come to an end... For now.

I am writing this morning with a very heavy heart. Today I start work again, don't get me wrong I like my job, I work with some of the best people, my boss has been completely amazing during my pregnancy and also while I took some time to stay home with my little man. But that does not make this day any easier, I have been dreading this afternoon for weeks and crying at night for days. There is one thing I have to keep reminding myself of.....

I serve a Sovereign God, who knows my heart, sees my desire and loves my Little Man more than I ever could.

What more could a mommy ask for? I am leaving my baby is the best hands I know of... his 2 Fathers: God and Ben! How lucky could this boy be. I find comfort in knowing God has appointed this for us for just a short season. The end is in sight and I praise Him for that daily! 4 months.... 4 months till Ben graduates and we start the next phases in our lives. Lots to still be decided about what the after graduation lives will be. But there is a promise that soon I will be home with my little man teaching him, playing with him, snuggling him, and loving on him.

That is where my heart is, when I was in college I did not think I would ever get to that point but watching my little man discover new things has been so amazing. Who would have ever thought you could love someone so much in so short amount of time.

So pray for us today:

Pray for me: As I go back to work this afternoon and my heart is really not in it. I will miss my little man! He is being taken care of by his wonderful Daddy, but that does not help this Mommy miss him any less. Pray I can find joy in what I am doing.

Pray for Ben: As today as he has the challenge of taking care of Noah without us tag teaming. Pray he can stay patient and not become overwhelmed by all the needs this little man has. And also that this time with Noah would be a special time for the two of them to bond.

Pray for Noah: As he learns to adjust to all these changes (he does not like lots of changes). That he would have a good day today and not be to overwhelming for his daddy.

My Stubborn Little Man

I was talking with a friend the other day and realized that despite the many updates that were given on Noah's birthday, still there is much that people don't know about my little man's first first few hours. So here it goes. Noah's official due date was Oct. 26. Silly parent's as we were we thought that meant he would actually come on that day. He of course had other plans in mind. Hang in there this is a long one. :)

October 26th came and went. It was a very boring day in the eyes of labor, I even went to work that day! My next Dr's appointment was on Friday the 28th, and that is when we made the decision to get induced. I was extremely uncomfortable, and Noah was healthy and ready to come out! Dr. Harms, my doctor, scheduled the induction for November 01,2011 at 6:00am.

6:00: Arrived at the hospital and started the waiting process, we got checked in and they got me hooked up the the iv and baby monitor. Apparently when you get induced the baby's vitals get monitored the whole time.

7:30: My doctor arrives, breaks my water and starts the potocin. At this point I was thinking I was going to wait out getting any pain meds. I wanted to see if I could do it without meds.

And so it started, at first the contractions were just very mellow, the nurse would come in every 30 mins or so look at the monitors assess where the contractions where and almost always up my potocin. When the contractions started WOW they were painful. Thankfully Ben was a great at helping me remember all we learned in our Lamaze class. My doctor was scheduled to come at noon to check on me so I figured I would wait till then to see how far along I am then before deciding about pain medication. By 12:30 they were 2 minutes apart lasting a minute and very painful! So of course we (Ben, Darleen, and I) were thinking these have to be doing something.

1:00: The nurse checked my progress, and I was only 1/2 centimeter more than when I came in. Ahhhh.... I thought and promptly requested the medication! I with the slow progress I was making there was no telling how much longer Noah would take! The doctor came in shortly after confirmed its still going to be a while and she will be back around 4:30 or 5:00 to check on me again. So once again we were waiting only this time I was able to rest and relax, and Ben and Darleen could go get some lunch/dinner. They knew they were in for a long rest of the day!

5:00ish: I start to get sick no fun at all thankfully I have had nothing to eat! But this is when we think I entered transition. My Nurse checked me and I was about 7 centimeter!! She told me that she will check me again around 7 and I should be able to start pushing soon! Yay! Finally I had made some progress and the best part for me was that I did not feel any of it!

7:00ish: The nurse comes in and I am ready!! Oh yeah soon we will meet our little one. Now at this point I am thinking not long now the pushing can't take that long. Ha ha yeah I was wrong.

7:00ish-10:00: Pushing... Pushing.... and more Pushing.... My Little man not only got stuck but also was facing the wrong way. They could see his head but he just could not make it out! So around 10:00 I was given a 15 min break from pushing (epidural made that possible). 

10:15: My doctor came in and we took a more aggressive approach. We tried to suction him out, we were told that if this did not work on the second or third try we would have to do an emergency c-section!! And this approach also meant we had to call in a bunch of help to make sure when Noah comes out he was OK, thankfully they were there. And with that we started pushing again. My great husband helped and on the third try we got Noah in jammed!!!!!!!!!!! From there it was only a few more pushes! 

10:51pm on November 1, 2011 Noah Benjamin Bacon was born, 8 pounds 12 ounces! I got to hold my little boy for a brief few seconds then he was whisked away to be checked and cleaned up. Since I had the epidural I was stuck in bed while the doctor finished with me and they worked on my baby. The next few minutes went by so fast. All I really could hear was things like "oh he has a big bump on his head that needs to be looked at" and "he is not breathing well".... and the next thing I saw was an NICU little incubator. they brought Noah over held him up so I can see him and then whisked him away... following Noah was Ben and Darleen I was left alone. At that point I started to cry, Ben's mom came back really quick for something. And it seems like both the doctor and Darleen saw at the same time I was crying, I finally got them to tell me what was going on. And I got a phone so I could get text updates on my baby!! 

 

Noah has what was knows an anumathorax or air pockets in the lungs, there were four air pockets surrounding his lungs. Apparently his lung ripped a little as he was on his way out. Causing him to not be able to breath well, that and since he was suctioned out he was in a little bit of shock and so they wanted to get him downstairs to the NICU fast. Thankfully Ben was able to be there with him, and I had a WONDERFUL nurse who got me cleaned up and ready to go fast! She put me on the gurney and wheeled me down to see my baby. I was still not able to hold him but I could hold his hand and enjoy him for a little bit. At this point it was after midnight. The NICU doctor talked to Ben and I and explained everything. And we just had to wait the night out and in the morning they would assess where he was and we could go from there.

The next day we got to hold our baby and he was released that afternoon. Praise God the air was gone and he was doing great! Now we have a healthy growing amazing baby boy.

Having a baby is hard work!

...and your thoughts to my title today are probably along the lines of "duh" or "no kidding". But as I sit here this morning drinking my coffee and enjoying the few fleeting minutes of silence I can't help but think also how rewarding my little blessing is! Sure so far all he really does is eat, sleep, and poop, but he is starting to learn and be more alert. He spends a good amount of the day just awake and looking around at every thing he can. One of the best parts is seeing how he knows me and he knows Ben. That to me is AMAZING! This little man, all of 1 month old (crazy I know) is starting to discover this world around him.

Noah has been a blessing in our life, even at 2:00 in the morning when he is screaming his head off, we love him. I still am amazed that this little baby is so dependent on Ben and I. He has been since the day he was conceived and will be for a long while still. We are the ones who are in charge of helping him grow up into the man that God would have him to be. I have been reminded several times by some wonderful women, that God choose us to be Noah's parents, we have a distinct privilege to help him grow, learn, and discover. Often I am overwhelmed by that thought.

Why us? Are we really ready? Guess God thought so. And from day one God knew that as much as this Little Man needed us, we need him so much more. I can't imagine my life without him now. He has become such a big part of our lives in such a small amount of time.

It often reminds me of the relationship between us and God. Granted, God does not need me, BUT He wants me, and as much as He wants me I NEED Him so much more. I cling to Him for my life, hold tight to his promises and wait patiently for the day to be in His presence. We have this picture of Noah from right after he was born clinging on to Ben, his father's hands and looking up at him.

I think God wants that from us, from me; He wants me to be looking and clinging to Him, to find comfort in Him and all that He has to offer. Not to find comfort in all the other stuff the world has to offer. So my prayer this morning would be that I never forget me need and dependence for God.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. -Psalm 18:2

But the LORD has been my stronghold, And my God the rock of my refuge. -Psalm 94:22

Tummy Wiggles

Well with 5 weeks to go I want to get this started and get in the habit of posting. This is where I want to share my blessings. God has blessed me and my family so much so here goes nothing.

Last night Ben and I had a great time just playing with Noah! Crazy as it sounds we were, he was wiggling all over and moving like crazy! we chased him around my tummy with a flashlight and watched his reactions to the different temperatures and lights.

It amazes me that already he can tell my voice and Ben's we well as our different hands and even lights. Yet, Noah still has not even seen this world we live in. God has already made him a wonderful little man who has so much discovery!!

" For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139: 13-16

 Little Moments that remind me how lucky I am to be Noah's Mommy! How fitting that his name should mean Comfort.  

My Little Man with His crooked little smile.